Almond Joy (litajup657) wrote in islam_like_whoa,
Almond Joy

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Really nervous here so I here I go...

Okay, I submitted to join one of the other LJ communities called 'Islam' and to my sheer terror it's PENDING (sarcasm here), but no really I am a bit scared 'cause well I guess I'll start off like this:

my name's Ahmed Bari, I live in the bay area of Northern California, born Muslim, digressed from faith at 13 because of traumatic childhood experiences with the gossip crew of the desi world, which I don't think anyone's unfamiliar to...did the whole questioning phase along with a lot other bad stuff which I truly do believe, all happened for a reason.

Currently I'm 22 years old, going to De Anza College soon to be transferring to San Jose State University under a Psychology major & sociology minor. And regarding academics I'm finally grounded, however with faith & reconnecting myself with Islam through initially Sufism - I'm completely out there. I've been to a psychiatric institution because I had a drug-induced psychosis thinking I was Prophet Muhammad (saw) and I truly need to divert that out of my thinking. I'm on anti-anxiety/anti-psychotic medication which I will need to be on for the next six months, atleast. I'm a bit worried 'cause the nurse practitioners & psychiatrists said I'm also within the age range where schizophrenia manifests, of course it will be a while before I understand what's going on with that.

During my psychosis I also get these random visions & just, they just seem really bizarre...I don't know if this is the work of Shaytan or Allah or what but I began writing a manuscript basically blueprinting Heaven & Hell on earth. I'm incorporating certain Hadeeths, certain phenomenal lands, scientific data, scriptures, statistics & historical information into my own interpretation about how & why Heaven & Hell are mapping themselves into earth. This is indefinitely a long term project. For more than 7-8 years I had no idea what I wanted to do, rather I had an array of things I wanted to do but it was all scattered...then days after I had my spiritual awakening of sorts all these ideas start coming in my head and honestly I don't know what to do with myself sometimes...sometimes I think I'm just weird, bizarre, way out there, and I feel alone and unable to relate. I also have a vision of how I want the world map to be drawn out. I'm an art freak as well. But all this truly just makes me feel like I'm possibly just some kind of spawn of Shaytan because I'm getting these ideas which some of my friends say aren't weird but deep down I have this feeling of self-loathing like I shouldn't have been born.

I'm hoping for some support somewhere, I honestly don't have any Muslim friends and it'd be great to meet some people around the bay to learn about as much as I can & talk about my thoughts, feelings, wonders with people whom I could possibly relate with in some way. It'd certainly be a change from my ostracized past, thanks for reading this post.
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